Tomorrow is my last day of high school. Forever. Here I sit, wondering where the time went. I still can't believe its over. In a blink of an eye, it was gone. Absolutely crazy, that's what I am.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am completely obsessed with the Phantom of the Opera. I finally ordered my Phantom movie poster (my first purchase for my dorm next year)and I realized that I might have a little problem. That movie would have been absolutely perfect of Johnny Depp had been in it.
I feel funny. i have one week left in high school. It really hasn't hit home yet. Five more days, and I will never have to attend class there again. Where has the time gone? It's depressing. One of my closest friends is moving at the end of June. I am going to miss Mike something awful. Erik will be gone in September. Tanya and Chelsi and Todd will still be here, but I won't see them as often. I'll be totally on my own. The time went to fast. Entirely to fast. I'm not sure what to think. On one end, I look forward to college. New people, new experiences. But on another end, I don't want everything to change. I'm happy.
One brightside is I won't ever have to see or talk to Kasen again. Everytime I see the little bastard I want to cry and kill him at the same time. I do everything in my power to avoid him. But he's still there. That little shit really has no idea how bad he hurt me. I hope it happens to him someday. So that he can know what its like. I want him to suffer like I did. I want him to cry in the shower with lights off, wondering what in the hell he did wrong. I want him to sit in front of his computer begging for an answer , and never recieving one. I want him to give his heart to someone and then watch as its chewed up and spit back out in front of him. I want him to pick up all the shattered pieces and piece them back together. I want him to be told he's not good enough.
I'm not sure if any of you watch American Idol, but I am still pissed they kicked Chris Daughtry off. He was good. Grr. Would've posted this earlier, but I've been crazy busy.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and I don't know why. I need a change.
Does anyone know anything about organic chemistry, specifically lipids and sugars? My organic chem final (take home, thank god) is giving me hell.
He won't go away. Just when I think I've forgotten, when I'm sure I have, he shows up. With another girl. A nice, quite, doesn't think for herself little mormon girl who hangs off his every word. She is exactly what he wanted me to be but that I wouldn't become. It hurts to think that I wasn't good enough. It pisses me off to think that he didn't respect anything I had to say. He never listened when I opposed him. I never had a truly intellectual conversation with him. When I tried, he stopped listening. He didn't want a girl who was smart. He wanted someone who was submissive. I should have known things would have ended like this. The worst of it is is that I feel sad. He found someone that he deems more worthy than me. On one level, I'm glad its over. I can breathe again. I don't have to dumb myself down to get him to pay attention to me. I can't believe I was foolish enough to even consider doing that. Never again. I will never again attempt to change who I am to please some guy. I know this makes no sense. I shouldn't be upset. For the msot part, I'm just mad. But a part of me still wants to be with him. I need to find someone who can hold an actual intelligent conversation. I wonder if I ever will.
I had a nightmare a few days ago that I was 19 (it was taking place a year from now) and that I was getting married. He was handsome and kind, but I didn't want to do it. I was mad and afraid but for some reason could not back out. It was a horrible dream. I wonder what it means.
I graduate in 23 days. Let the countdown begin. I can't help but wonder where everything will go, how things will turn out. Ever notice how there is just so much damn time while you're living through things, but when its over, you wonder where all that time went? Its amazing. Blink and then its over, but it seems like an eternity while you are surviving it. The nature of time is a tricky thing.
I am terrified. I graduate in three weeks, and after that I have two months before I will be totally on my own. I don't know what to think. I've never been by myself before. The thought is very scary. It seems like it came entirely too fast. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to expect. I wonder how I'll handle it.
My head is going a mile a minute at the moment... I haven't been clear headed since I drank all that coffee at the college orientation. Which, by the way, was horribly boring and useless. But I did get to register for my fall classes. Amazingly enough, I got into every one that I wanted. So that's over with.
I went to my friend's wedding. It was in a creepy Mormon church with these strange Jesus pictures that had eyes that followed you. Jesus was caucausian, which I found amusing. Being in there reminded me why I am glad I am not religious. Now that my childhood best friend has thrown her life away by marrying at 18, I am wondering who will surprise me with what next. Perhaps Ellen will have a nice commitment ceremony with her girlfriend... that would be awkward.
I feel odd tonight. I mentioned before that I have a crush on one of my good friends. It doesn't seem to be going away. I keep slipping farther into it, and I'm worried that if I let it continue it will end up like the last time, with me trying to scrape together the few pieces that are left of myself. I finally accepted what had happened there, and along comes this. Maybe this won't be so bad. I'll just take it as slow as hell, draw everything out. Make sure of things before moving on to that next little step. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. On one hand, I feel lucky that guys I am attracted to feel the same way. On the other, the pain that comes when the relationship ends and I have allowed myself to become to attached make it not worth it. Especially when the other person is a very good friend. I'm already attached in that respect, and I'm trying my damndest not to attach myself romantically as well. I've just come out of a rather attached relationship, and I seem to be trying to latch on again. I cannot let this happen. It is not good for me or for him. I need to think this one through.