In lieu of watching a Jesus show today, I watched The Stand. I love that movie and that book. Defintely one of hte best books ever written, and my personal favorite by Stephen King. Watching that took up 6 hours of my day. Kept me away from grandparents as well.
Back to school tomorrow. Lovely. I now have a working camcorder so I can start getting the footage I need for mine and Mike's documentary. This should be a lot of fun. I've always wanted to make a movie, and now the opportunity has presented itself.
For some reason beyond my understanding I am still upset over how things ended. It has been nearly two months and I still have those moments where I hate myself because I think it was my fault. Its getting easier, a hell of a lot easier actually, but there are still those times. At least now I don't feel the need to see him. I actually don't want to see him because seeing him brings back swarms of strange feelings that I'd rather not have. In a month and half I will not have to worry about because I'll be graduated, but it doesn't seem fast enough. My heart is no longer broken, but it still hurts.
I learned today that I cannot wear heels. I have managed to scrape nearly all of the skin off the backs of my ankles; it hurts like hell. Bastardly things. They have no point, and I will not wear then again. Women were not meant to walk on their toes.
I need to find a better way. The way I am living now is not working out for me. I feel like I am going nowhere; in truth, I am going nowhere. I need to get away from this habit I have of looking to others to validate my existence, because it doesn't work. I know this, yet I continue to do it. And therein lies the tradegy; I know what I need to do, but I'm not sure how to do it. I don't even know where to start. Every time I think I've got it, I falter and am stuck back on square one and cannot figure out where I made the mistake. I know if I can find out exactly where I am screwing up, I can start fixing it. But I don't know how to figure out what I am doing wrong. I really must learn to stop relying on others so much; it is foolish for me to trust people the way I do. That's one of the main reasons I get hurt so often; I trust those I shouldn't and don't trust those I probably should.
I have good friends; any one of them would do everything in their power to help me out. I am too afraid to ask them. I am afraid of what they will think of me when they see what I really am: a lost kid with no direction. They trust me enough to confide in me; I am ashamed that I cannot do the same for them. I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me; I am not sure how I got this way. I don't think I am even entitled to feel bad. There are so many people who have much worse than I do, and here I sit complaining about how bad my life sucks. I am such a hypocrite.
In my infinite wisdom I have managed to develop a crush (nothing more) on one of my very good friends. I hate rebounds; I will have nothing to do with it. In fact, I am swearing off dating for awhile. Enjoy life without worrying about what the other half of the relationship thinks. Enjoy my first years of college. I'm not swearing off guys; God knows I love them. I'm just tired of dating them, since they all turn, inevitably, into bastards. Maybe its just my area; there's not much of a selection here in Nampa, Idaho. Another reason college is going to rock: people who come from all over the country and the world, not just small town people who grew up here and haven't ever left the state.
Nothing new here. Mainly I'm just waiting for my friend's wedding and for graduation. I love the last two months of school where the teachers have nothing planned. It especially rocks this year since I am a senior and don't want to do anything. I'm lucky if I manage to drag myself to every class. The only classes worth going to are Chem 2 and AP Gov. Everything else is useless. I haven't skipped in awhile, though, which is some kind of record for me. Funny thing about that is my grades were all A'd last semester, and I had a lot of truancies. I don't have any this semester and I have managed a C in AP spanish. Everything else is good except for that class.
I want something new to happen to break this redundancy. I don't want to sit around and do nothing until May 24th. Perhaps I should take up a random hobby such as underwater basket weaving...
I'm a little pissed at the moment. I discovered just how tiny my dorm room is going to be next year. I have no idea how I will make all of my stuff fit. I"m not leaving any of it out. That'll be fun to figure out. Damned communal type living anyways. But whatever, I guess. The food at Boise State is actually really good. Surprisingly enough.
Back to my favorite place in the world tomorrow: Nampa High School. About 6 weeks left in that god forsaken place and I cannot wait to leave it. I've been there to long.
I"m feeling kind of numb to emotions right now. Not much is getting through. I found my copy of Sing the Sorrow earlier.. I hadn't listened to AFI in awhile, but I remember why I loved it now. Good stuff.
Not much of interest going on with me. My best friend is getting married (at 18, which is entirely too young, but to each his/her own) and I, joy of joys, will be maid of honor. Which means I have to wear a dress and pretend to be happy that she is throwing her life away. I'll do it only because she was my best friend in elementary school. I'm not happy about it, though.
I know what classes I get to take next year. I've been suckered into spanish again, which is scary this time around because I get to take Spanish 303 as a freshman. I have a feeling I am going to bomb. But Intro to Archaeology and Intro to Philosophy should be fun.
Other than that, I've been good. Graduation in a month and half! Yay Class of 2006!
Not much went on today. I'm happy finally. I've made my peace. I realize that it is not my fault. Besides, in 5 months my life will change so dramatically it won't matter. I'm very excited to be starting college, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid as well. I've never lived on my own before. It'll definetly be new. But I will have some good friends there with me. And I get to stay in Idaho, and the treasure valley. This may sound retarded, since most people are eager to leave their hometown, but I love it here. It is my home and I do not want to leave. I've traveled to a lot of places, and lived in quite a few as well. I've never been to place that I've truly felt at home with besides Idaho. I may be a loser for not wanting to leave, but I love this place.
I've decided I'll major in anthropology. I've always wanted to be an archaeologist, and it occured to me the other day that I actually can. I don't think I can be truly satisfied with my life unless that is what I go into. I feel "called" to it, I guess you could say. That's why my name on here is Lara Croft. I used to want to be her. Now, in a way, I kind of can. Without the skin tight leather, of course. I'd love to have a pair of uzis, though.
As a side note, I really hope to see Paul in college... I've been thinking about him a lot lately.
I'm back from Vegas, and I have some super fun stories about that. For tomorrow. At the moment, I am tired as hell (which is odd because all I did was drive today. for about 13 hours.)
I am trying to make my peace. I hope it works.