The Journal of laracroft.
One more day of school, and then spring break! And Vegas! That makes me happy. I love Vegas. Damned gambling age restrictions, though... although I can see the "Thunder From Down Under"...and all the gay men that come with it. That should be an adventure... it will either be strangely amusing or it will scar me for life. Its worth a shot.
Foreigner is one of the best bands ever, no question. That may seem random, but I've been singing Double Vision for the better part of the day.
I got to play Lord of the Rings Battle for Middle Earth at Mike's today... we skipped AP Psychology. That game rocks and I could play it for hours. I'm having a bit of trouble downloading it, though... stupid wireless internet again. I desperately need a new computer. One that is definetly not a Dell.
Book of Days 03-21-06 20:14
Firstly, I would like to commemorate the sophomores at Nampa High School. Most of you had super projects, and I was throughly impressed. Specifically Shaun, Nadya, Chelsi, Jeryn, Katherine, Trisha, and Erin. You guys did a lot more work on those projects than I think I have done on any of mine. They were quite informative. Excellent job, even though the only one who will read this is Chelsi.
My life is about to be turned upside down. After I graduate, I will be living on my own. I am excited to be going to college, but I would be a fool if I also did not acknowledge the fact that I am afraid. I'm not sure what it is coming at all. This is an interesting feeling. I don't feel lost; as a matter of fact, I'm not sure I can quite describe what I am feeling. I do know that huge changes are ahead, and absolutely nothing will be the same. It's kind of a beautiful feeling, actually.
The stars are still not out. I am wondering if I will ever get to break out my telescope and have a look. I think a storm may be passing through... that could be nice. Especially if it starts to rain in the middle of night and I am awakened by the sound of the rain hitting my window. That would be lovely.
I replaced the bridge on my viola today. The sound coming out of it is much clearer now. I thought it sounded good before, but it is definitely resonating better. Kind of expensive though (about $250, slightly less than the instrument itself). But it is a quality bridge. Should last for many years. The old one lasted 6, possibly more since I'm not sure as to how old it actually is and the last time the bridge was replaced.
"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". My sister was talking about that earlier (one of few times she was being intelligent. I knew she had it in her.) Even though I am still hurting, I agree with that. I would have rather had the time that I did than never have had it at all. I know this is kind of random, but I am watching "City of Angels" (the only "romance" movie I can actually stand) and it has me thinking. Things may not have worked out, but at least I had it, if only for a little while. I would have rather had what I did then spent the rest of my life without it. I don't think I will ever forget it. I hope I don't. It is this type of thing that shapes us.
China Roses 03-20-06 20:14
I'm a bit teary eyed after having watched Elephant Man (the one with Anthony Hopkins). It is a lovely movie; one of those that an english teacher would say allows a glimpse into the human soul. And that just about hits the nail on the head. The humanity of the movie is quite humbling; gets you thinking about how we are all in this together, for better or worse. Sometimes, I forget that. It puts things into perspective.
It is a beautiful night, albeit starless. I wish the clouds would clear so I could get my telescope outside. The night sky is absolutely lovely this time of year.
All in all, I had a pretty good day. I got new strings for my viola (which makes me very happy) and I get to take my viola back to the shop tomorrow to get a new bridge. Mine is leaning rather frightfully towards the fine tuners and I am afraid it will fall over (or worse, break) if I do not replace it. Spanish test could have been a lot better ( I know I conjugated all the verbs right, but I am positive I misplaced over half of the accents. That could potentially decimate my grade on the test.) Nothing much happened today. I've been fighting those bad feelings again, but it is getting easier to talk myself out of them and put the whole thing into perspective. I think I'm going to get through this.
There really is a lot of beauty in this world. I saw a nice little flower (weed, but I like the term flower better) trying its damndest to grow earlier. Its a bit early for that yet, but it was really a sight to behold. Quite inspiring. And symbolic, in its own fashion. Just what I needed at the time. I think it may have been sign.
I saw V for Vendetta today. Excellent movie. I highly recommend it. It was very political, which is enough to make it good on its own, but it also had EXPLOSIONS! Explosions make everything better. It reminded me a lot of 1984, and the subplot had much in common with The Count of Monte Cristo, which is, at the moment, my favorite book. Parts were reminiscent of Phantom of the Opera. Overall, it was quite good.
Seeing that took up a good portion of the afternoon. I don't think Tanya liked it half as much as I did though. Mostly because I had to explain a lot of it to her. I kind of feel bad for dragging her to it, but I really didn't want to see that stupid teen movie She's the Man. Probably would have vomited if I had, actually.
I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I wasn't earlier, but I stifled it with a wonderful hot bath and some Enya. I love Enya. Very relaxing, beautiful stuff. I was always a fan of the new age/celtic music anyways. I think its because it gets me in touch with my ancestors (sounds stupid, I know, but all the way back both sides of my family are scottish and irish. There's not much deviation, actually. Its kind of cool. At least I think it is.)
I have a lovely spanish test tomorrow. Over verbs, and over my least favorite conjugations of them (subjunctive and commands). I get it, but I'd rather not take the test. I despise spanish. I don't know I have taken it for 5 years. I don't know why I will continue to take it next year. I guess its because I hope that one day I will be fluent, but that is unlikely. If I was ever going to be, I would be already. It is an easy A, though.
Paint the Sky with Stars 03-18-06 20:09
Another night where I am utterly exhausted. And to top it off, I've got those lovely feelings of worthlessness as well. Today isn't as bad as some of the others have been at least. I wish it would go away, yet it persists. I'm having trouble understanding how it can be said that love is what makes life worth living, because at the moment all it is doing is causing me pain. It sucks knowing that I love someone who does not return the feeling. Perhaps the feeling will fade with time. I hope it does. But at the moment, it just really hurts. I feel lost. I don't know what to do about it but keep plowing ahead and hope I forget. Where are these windows that are supposed to have opened since the door closed? I do not see them. I feel like I've lost my purpose. And I'm thrashing around hopelessly in attempt to find it again.
I don't have much to say tonight... mostly because I am so damn tired. I am eternally grateful it is Friday. Other than that, it was a typical day where nothing out of the ordinary happened. I gave my in class senior project presentation. For having never practiced it or even thought about what I would say, it went rather brilliantly. Time came out perfect (Almost exactly 10 minutes) and I managed to seriously confuse my teacher and about 95% of the class, which was my goal. It will really be fun to present it to the panel. They won't get it either. I'm to tired to be feeling any kind of emotion, which is a good thing. I like not feeling sad and lost. I should be tired more often.
I know I've said this before, but I absolutely love the book The Count of Monte Cristo. I am rereading it. Ironically, it is a school assignment, and I can't recall actually enjoying a school assigned book before. I must make a trip to the Yesteryear Shoppe this weekend to buy it. Its full of sword fights and revenge. Very eloquent, as well. Especially being that it was translated from French.
I had some fun watching my chem teacher making polyurethane foam earlier. Chem 2 really is a cool class. Teacher may be a little of his rocker at times, but he's basically a good guy. He's got some funny stories, as well. But I guess that can be expected when you are ancient (I'm not sure as to his actual age).
I'm feeling kind of empty tonight, which is a big improvement over what I've been feeling for the past week. I think I've talked myself out, at least for the moment. I'm still hurting, but its not quite connecting tonight. THis is good.
I get to present my senior project tomorrow; joy of joys. I just finished the stupid thing today. I made about 90% of it up, and I'll have to completely wing the speech. But I work best under extreme pressure. And the teacher will love my project no matter what I say simply because he will not understand it. I knew those fancy psychology words I've been learning in my psychology classes the past two years would have to pay off eventually... but more on that tomorrow.
I have made it nearly three weeks on very little caffeine. I think I may be over the addiction part. That's a good thing. On the other hand, I got the results of my blood work up today. My glucose was elevated at 110 (which means I will get diabetes, and probably fairly soon) and my cholesterol was 184 (which for a normal person would be fine, but I am only 18 and should not be that close to qualifying as a person with high cholesterol). Another example of my fantastic genes at work.
All in all, today wasn't half bad. Tomorrow should be cool, with chess club starting after school. I'll probably see the school production of the Pink Panther, too. Just because I can.
I hate filling out scholarship applications... they take such a long time. I'm not even sure they are worth the effort, since the chances aren't very good that I am going to recieve any. But, on the off chance that I do, I guess it can't hurt. Its not like I'm really doing anything else but sitting around and dwelling on things that are out of my control anyway.
I just realized that I have to finish my senior project presentation because I am presenting on Friday. At this point, I am only half done. But it shouldn't take long, and I am good at winging it so I'm sure it won't be a problem. Especially since my project is about psychology... there is nothing I can bullshit better about.
Speaking of psychology, I wasted another hour and half of my life sitting through AP Psychology earlier. I believe we were supposed to be learning about classical and operant conditioning, but I was busy amusing myself with my Jesus and Freud action figures and trying to ignore Mike's insane ramblings.
I am ridiculously tired right now. I think those sleeping pills work a little to well. I can't wake up in the morning anymore. I always woke up on my own without an alarm, and now I need someone to practically hit me in the head in order to wake up. I think I may need a different prescription because it is hard for me to believe that is normal.
I think I am making improvements... I didn't cry at all today. That's been pretty much all I've done for the past week and a half, so its nice to have a break and allow my tear ducts to rejuvenate themselves. I certainly hope I'm getting over it. The pain can't last forever. Eventually, I'll have to forget about it. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later.
At this point I'm barely dragging myself along. If I had my way, I would just stay asleep for a few months until it all went away and I was off to college. I'm trying to find something to look forward to, and I am drawing a blank. Even Vegas seems a little bleak right now, and I absolutely love Vegas. My head has really been messed with. I didn't know I was so damn gullible. What I want is a day where I can stay home, lock the door to my room, and drown all my sorrows in music. Music can fix anything. I don't know what I would do without it.
I have decided that, at least for the moment, my new favorite songs are "The Sound of Silence" and "Eleanor Rigby". Both kind of embody what I am feeling at the moment. They're not really depressing, per say, but they are both brutally honest.And a big improvement of Evanescence. I love Evanescence, but it is so dark. I don't really need that right now. Beautiful music, though.
How I miss him. I am sitting in front of my somputer pining away. This is awful. I need a change.
I hate my iPod. The wheel thing is sticking, and my computer refuses to charge it. And my internet is acting up again. I need a new computer.
All in all, today wasn't too bad. That's mostly due to the fact that not only are we playing Phantom of the Opera in orchestra, we are also playing a Star Wars/Jurassic Park/Indiana Jones combo! I am so happy. The only time I like orchestra is when we are playing music that I am familiar with. Unfortunately, that won't happen next year in college so I guess I had better enjoy it while I can.
I am amazed with myself. I did my AP psychology paper and my stuff for Chem 2. I don't know how I managed it...
I'm still on my Sound of Silence kick... I just really love that song.I've added Eleanor Rigby to the pot as well... probably my favorite Beatles song. Both those songs kind of embody what I'm feeling at the moment, I guess. Alone and afraid. I absolutely love the lyrics.
Damned broken heart anyways... when will this accursed thing mend itself? It doesn't seem to be doing anything to fix itself at all, and I am at a loss for what to do about it. I feel so broken at the moment, like I lost some important part of myself. And all this over a guy... shame on me. I can't believe I am doing this to myself.
I got to make nylon in Chem 2 today... that was fun. Hard to explain how amusing it is to pull a long string of thread about 20 feet long out of a tiny 50 ml beaker... kind of amazing, actually. I always liked Chem experiments, even if Eric and I inevitably mess them up. It's kind of a cool class, even if I do complain about it a lot.
My Freud action figure came in the mail today... I thought I'd be more amused by it than I am. But then again, I am awfully distracted at the moment. Perhaps the amusement will hit me later... probably at an extraordinarily inopportune time. Like in the middle of a government test. That would be fun to explain to the teacher...
I've come to the conclusion that American Idol is the scourge of our society and must be destroyed. How stupid can a show possibly be? I ought to audition for it and sing Mr. Roboto, while dresses up as a robot, and see what they say. See if I can get on T.V. That would be an adventure.
It is another lovely night where the stars have gone into hiding and my telescope is useless. I hate that, because I just recalibrated my mirrors and haven't gotten a chance to check it out yet. I've seen some wicked awesome things through it before, but this damned cloud cover is destroying everything! How can things become more depressing?
Speaking of depressing, I am wondering if I might be clinically depressed. At times, it seems really bad. I'm hoping it'll pass, because there is no way I am going to get professional help. Nothing those people can do to help me that a nice combination of the tow songs I mentioned before and a lot of blogging can't fix... eventually... and I really don't need more medication. I've got enough as it is.
I can't wait for college... I am really hoping that things will be different. WHich is a problem, because I will end up broken hearted once more. I really have to learn to stop expecting things; I've got to learn to keep all of my expectations low. The moment I begin to hope is the moment I get hurt. Prime examples of that can be seen in my other entries. I expected too much; I never should have expected anything at all. And now I get to try to fix the emotional scars I have created for myself in the process. I still don't know what I was thinking. I feel like a damn fool.
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