I love this place... just talking about this junk makes me feel fathoms better. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, at least for the moment. A wonderful feeling. Its like having a shrink without the $100 an hour charge. This is super.
I am such a damn fool. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Everytime I think I've won, I lose. It is inevitable. I got to have a month where I thought I was normal, and then I screwed it up. I want so badly to feel that someone could actually want to be with me, but I guess for me, that is not meant to be. I'm one of those who will spend the rest of my life searching for purpose in the wrong place. I shouldn't be looking for purpose through anyone else, yet I can't help it. I just want it to all go away. I so badly want it to all go away. And the thing of it is, I cannot blame any of this on him. It is not his fault. It is entirely my own. I am the one letting myself feel this way. I cannot ask anything of him. That wouldn't be fair.I can't be mad at him. He hasn't done a thing. I must say I am sorry, and the off chance that he reads this. It isn't about you. Its about my own stupidity and why I let this get to me when it shouldn't.
I cannot believe this is hitting me so hard. It makes me feel like an idiot, and I know I have no reason to feel this way. Yet I cannot shake the feeling that I am the only one at fault, that the reason I cannot be happy is because of some fault I possess. I am young, and there is so much time ahead of me. But I feel so bad at the moment. I feel lost. I feel foolish.
I've been dealing with this in the only way I know how: trying to push it aside and distract myself. That isn't working. I guess I'll have to face it. I'll have to acknowledge that I am the stupid one for allowing myself to feel this way. This is not the first time I feel that my heart has been broken. If I had a dime for every time I've felt this way, I would be rich. What is it about women and our damn emotional attachments? It must be easy to be a guy; they never appear to really care. And here I am in my corner, trying not to bawl my eyes out over something that really shouldn't be important. How I hate emotions...
I need to have a long, deep talk with God about all this. If anything can pull me through and give me perspective, it's that. I may never understand why I allow myself to grow so attached, but I guess I can ask for help with avoiding it in the future. I certainly don't want to mess with this again. I am dysfunctional.
This must be about the 50th time my iPod has played "The Sound of Silence", Simon and Garfunkle.... quality song, yet kind of depressing. I'll be singing it for weeks... this may not be the best song for me to be listening to right now. I need to pull my head out of the hole I have wedged it into and see what is in front of me and deal with it accordingly. I guess I had better get to work...
I hate wireless internet. It dies to often.
The Count of Monte Cristo is without a doubt the best book I have read in a long time; and it is quite; possibly the only english assignment I have really enjoyed. I hate english; I see no reason why I should be forced to take a class in a language that I already speak. Thankfully, I am done with it after this year. Hoorah for my high ACT english score and its ability to allow me to skip both semesters of freshman english!
I have been practicing my Phantom of the Opera music like crazy; the viola part is wicked awesome. I have been waiting for this all year. I cannot wait for the concert when we put it all together with the band people! It is going to rock... and I love the movie. The music from Phantom is absolutely beautiful, and those who claim to disagree are lying.
I had a fun adventure changing the oil in my car today; turns out I don't remember how to do it quite as well as I thought I had. At least I didn't destroy anything; I just wound up dumping all of the old oil onto the pavement, like an idiot. My Dad is going to love it when he sees the oil stain; but at least it'll make him think before he tells me to do something like that on my own again.
Spring break is in two weeks, and that can only mean one thing: VEGAS! I love Vegas. I can't gamble for another three years (whichever bastard made the gambling age 21 instead of 18 should be shot), I still love the place. I think its the combination of shiny lights and loud noises; or maybe its the allure of the allmighty dollar. Whatever the reason, I just know I absolutely cannot wait.
Its coming down to my last quarter in high school, and I am left wondering where the time has gone. It was not long ago that I was vomiting my brains out before I had to go to the first day of my freshman year, and here I am on the brink of graduation. It went by so fast.
Time is a funny thing when you think about it. When you put it into perspective, you realize just how little time you actually have here. Its kind of humbling in its own way, especially when you take into account that you have no control over when your own time is up. I wish I knew latin; nothing like a useless dead language to express how you really feel about everything. Maybe I'll take latin in college...
I am impressed with myself. I did about half of my senior project today. That is saying a lot, because I have had over six months to do the damn thing and I didn't touch it until today. The only reason I did anything on it was because it is due Friday. Damn, pointless English assignments...
Speaking of pointless assignments, I have a stuid paper for AP Psychology I have yet to start on that is due Wednesday... the only reason that class is any good is for the college credit. And the teacher, who has the biggest nose I have ever seen on a human and reminds me of Barnacle Boy from Spongebob (Lord Save Us All).
I'm having one of those days where I feel like an ugly hag... my damned skin is breaking out horribly again. I'm thinking that maybe I should get those laser resurfacing treatments; anything is better than the acne at this point. I'm waiting for the scars to start becoming more permanent; the ones I have now fade with time. Eventually, that'll stop and I'll have a bunch of lovely scars to deal with. I hate genetics.
Stupid America and its standards for beauty, anyways... I don't even know why I care. It doesn't really matter that much, but at times, it really gets to me. Sometimes I think if I were pretty everything would be better. Its foolish, absolutely foolish and juvenile to be thinking this way, but there are times (like right now) when I do. It'll pass, but its still bastardly while its lasts.
This may be random, but never see "The Hills Have Eyes"... its generally not good. No story line... just a bunch of mutants ripping people apart and getting axed in the head. It was a way to pass the time though... and I am in need of distractions. Take my mind off all the unluckyness I seem to be encountering lately... although I have a feeling that something big is about to happen. Something important. I'm not sure whether it will be good or bad; at this point, I don't think it matters. I need a change, though.
I cannot wait for graduation in May; I'll finally be able to live on my own. Yet, I am somehow also dreading it; I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get there. This is an odd feeling. Perhaps this is the big change; I know for certain that nothing will be the same. My life is about to be turned upside down and I'm not sure exactly how to greet it. I'm super excited, yet I am also terrified. I think it will be interesting to see where my life takes me.
I think I may be winning the whole guy battle! I am finally coming to terms with who I am; I should not be looking to boost my confidence through someone else. This is where my big mistake is and this is why I have been feeling so terrible: I have been looking for confidence through someone else, when the only place I am ever going to find it is in myself. I've got to face my own damn demons and get over the bullshit I had to put up with in Jr. High before I can ever actually feel comfortable in my own skin.
It is kind of funny how Jr high was 4 years ago, and yet I still cannot get rid of the memories of what happened there. I guess that kind of stuf never goes away; I was foolish to think it had. It'll always be there; I really ought to face it, acknowledge it. The thought absolutely terrifies me, but I have to. I guess that is where God comes in.
I'm not a religious person, but it occured to me not long ago that I really miss feeling close to God. There was a time when I did; I lost it when I was about 13, when I was certain I had been abandoned. I desperately want that feeling back; that feeling of knowing that I am not alone. I think God is the only way to go on that. I just hope God isn't insulted by my Jesus action figure...
Speaking of my Jesus, hopefully His good friend Freud will be here by Tuesday! I cannot wait to have a Jesus vs. Freud war... the truly sad part in all of this is that i am 18 and I play with action figures. Of Jesus and Freud, nonetheless. But whatever. To each his own, I always say. Nothing wrong with be crazy; deep inside, everyone knows they are just like me anyways. In the end, I always have that to hold onto.
I had some adventures today, let me you. I got lost in Boise in an attempt to find a Hastings so that I could replace my Jesus action figure that some bitch in my orchestra class stole (I wasted all kinds of gas in the process). I'm relatively sure Tanya thinks I'm insane, being that I'm willing to drive in downtown Boise with my hands off the wheel (but then again, I am insane, so I have nothing to worry about). And I've been trying my damndest not to think about Him. That's the hardest part, really. I guess I never realized it could hurt this bad. But having a nice girl's day out with Tanya was something I really needed (it is so nice to get another girl's perspective on these types of things). I don't feel like as much of a loser anymore, just a damn fool. A fool is all that I am, really. I don't what I was thinking; I have no idea what I expected. I wish I could erase it all and go back to having my far away crush on Paul (a guy far to stupid for me to ever want to have anything to do with. He's just exceptionally good looking). That never caused me any grief.
An interesting side effect of this is that I have been attempting to talk to God lately (I'm not much for religion, but I need guidance from somewhere. And He seems to be helping a lot of other people, so I figure why the hell not? It can't hurt that bad.) I feel like a hypocrite, but I suppose that will pass. And I do feel better, like I'm putting everything into perspective.
On a better note, I do not have to live at home while in college next year. My parents are moving to Arizona, and I'm staying here so I get to live on campus! That makes me very happy. Especially since I don't have to pay for it... everyone loves a free ride.
This is rather odd being that I have never had anything even close to journal before... but as I always say, make everyday an adventure, right? We don't live long enough to not, and we never know how much time we have to begin with. I can't think of anything more important than stopping and listening to the rain falling against your window now and again... it gives perspective. Perspective is something I am in desperate need of right now... how I hate feeling down on myself. Its all his fault to... as badly as I want to name him, I won't. He's a super guy... just way to young. But whatever... life goes on. Its for the best... I know this, yet I can't seem to shake that horrible feeling sitting in the back of my mind that I am the loser in all of this. But tomorrow is another day, and when the sun is bright and shining, I will feel better. I always do.